Men’s lifestyle and entertainment powerhouse Unfinished Man is proud to announce that technicians have put the finishing touches on its very first spacecraft. Named the UM069, the craft is a design unlike anything the world has ever seen: a D3249 orbiter with the capability of exiting the Earth’s atmosphere without the need of the weighty Solid Rocket Boosters (SRBs) used by traditional spacecraft.
Instead, the Unfinished Man-patented D3249 craft will use supercharged helium balloons to propel itself into space. This provides a heat-free, more affordable fuel source than regular rocket fuel. It also gives the crew an opportunity to inhale helium from tubes located throughout the cabin. This will allow them to radio staff at headquarters and sing “Ground Control to Major Tom” in funny voices.
The specially-designed helium balloons that will lift the craft away from the Earth’s surface are made of admantium, preventing them from popping due to the heat and pressure commonly experienced by objects leaving the atmosphere.
“Admantium is light and virtually indestructible,” says Barry Thomas Shores, the lead designer of the craft. “If it’s good enough for Wolverine, it’s good enough for Unfinished Man. We are truly excited about the innovation that went into this creation.”
When it first started in 2010, Unfinished Man was the dream of a group of friends who wanted to provide a platform for guys to get the latest news, reviews, and advice on all things masculine. Over the years, the site has taken on everything from sex advice to current games and gadgets. Two years ago, the company decided to take on new frontiers.
In 2015, Unfinished Man’s co-founders, Chad and Faisal, put their heads together and decided to to push the company’s boundaries farther than ever before: completely out of the Earth’s atmosphere.
In addition to spending the past two years focusing on the design and buildout of the UM069, the team also had a microgravity training facility built at the company’s headquarters. The facility includes a Neutral Buoyancy Laboratory (NBL) that will enable Unfinished Man staff to train for zero gravity conditions and spacewalks.
While astronauts undergo hundreds of hours of training before launching, Chad and Faisal are confident that an hour every week or so will be sufficient to get them into tip-top shape for space travel.
“I’m an excellent physical specimen,” said Faisal.
The two are excited about the possibilities that will be afforded by interstellar travel.
“We recognized the huge opportunity that space provides – especially when it comes to demoing and reviewing new electronics and gadgets. So many other websites have reviews; no one is testing out new products in space,” said Chad, preparing to train in the NBL laboratory. “The UM069 is going to put us light years beyond our competitors.”
For his part, Faisal is optimistic that the UM069 will give the team an out-of-this-world perspective on advice for their Dating and Sex section.
“Zero gravity!” Faisal said. “Imagine the possibilities!”
Meanwhile, Jason, the team’s travel contributor, is hoping to be among the first of the members of Unfinished Man to launch into orbit. It remains to be seen whether he’ll get his wish, as beyond the two co-founders, the team will choose the final lucky space traveler via a high-stakes game of rock, paper, scissors.
The UM069 is slated to orbit the earth for 90 days or until the crew’s supply of Pop Tarts runs out. To re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere, Shores has designed an intricate system by which the ship’s occupants will all run and slam their shoulders up against a wall, nudging the craft sideways until it begins to move back into the Earth’s pull of gravity once more. After that, the balloons will be ejected and the craft will parachute into Bunzen Lake for a spectacular water landing.
“Faisal will steer the parachute,” Chad said. “He’s pretty good at video games, so we’re confident that he’ll put us down safely.”
The first launch is scheduled to take place on June 3 from the heart of Vancouver’s Stanley Park. The general public is encouraged to attend and watch the launch. Unfinished Man staff will be on hand to pass out gift bags with T-shirts, hats, and awesome free Unfinished Man in Space swag. Unfinished Man will also hold a lottery to select one person unluc…er…lucky enough to be shoved in the space pod and shuttled along on the team’s next mission.
“I know it sounds cheesy,” said Chad, “but it’s truly going to be out of this world.”